Our internal poison: resentment and anger

It's always fascinating to me when what we instinctively know and understand, what we've experienced through life in all it's messy glory, is then made into data and becomes validated.  That grain of understanding is finally given licence and becomes the next 'new thing.' I'm talking about our emotions and the role they play in our health. Before I dig into this a little deeper, let me give you some background.

For a long time and with my studies in positive psychology, I have been thinking about how some negative emotions have the power to eat you up inside, to overtake your waking thoughts and to darken your dreams.  Anger, disappointment and resentment are these emotions and they also sit comfortably alongside others, shame, judgement and jealousy.   To me, they are an internal poison, if you let them fester.  Whenever I have experienced these emotions, I've noticed the huge amount of energy they take.  Sometimes this energy propels me onto feeling justified in wallowing in these emotions but other times it's made me realise what a waste of energy they really are. And they stop you from doing things.  Like forgiving others and yourself.

The idea for this post came from a conversation with a dear friend.  We were talking about some of the close relationships in our lives and once those people die, how do we want to remember them?  I think for me, to accept that people are trying to do their best at all times, enables me to remember them in a positive way, even if the relationship wasn't ideal.   A few years back, I didn't go to the funeral of a close friend of my parents only because I was caught up in work.  He had helped them settle into this country as new immigrants and his wife was my mothers best friend.  I grew up spending Sundays at their house, hanging out with their kids.  Now when I think about that missed moment, I try to forgive myself for not being there when it mattered.

And what are these negative emotions doing to my brain and to my body?  How am I building my heart emotions and in particular, my empathy and my connection with others, by sitting here and wallowing or not forgiving myself for my regrets.  Sure, we need to process these emotions.  I'm not advocating shutting them down but I do think the amount of time and energy we give them could sometimes be cut back.  OK, I'm not a psychologist.  That's important to state here.  But if you are like me and have thought about the role of these emotions in your wellbeing, then keep reading.

A recent study in Health Psychology analysed data from over 20,000 individuals in the plus 50 age range for over a period of 14 years.  That's quite a lot of people over a long time.  Here's what they found; if you remove risks such as smoking, socioeconomic factors and existing health conditions, what are the factors which extend your life? Many of you won't be surprised to learn that it's better psychological wellbeing.  Participants in the study who were more optimistic, more socially connected and led more purposeful lives, lived longer and not just a little bit longer but 2-4 years longer.  Who wouldn't want that?  I want that. 

Learn about emotions and how to manage them, learn about how to develop more positive thoughts, stay connected to people you love and care about and make sure you don't lose your friendships as you age.  Develop your purpose in life and at work.  Develop your spirituality.  We have the proof now about what we have always known, that we all have this internal poison inside us but equally we all have the ability to not let it leach across every aspect of our lives.  Keeping ourselves psychologically healthy, as much as we possibly can will give us a greater life satisfaction and a longer life.  

Maybe one day Oliver Burkeman will write a book titled '4500 weeks and how to use it'.  Now wouldn't that be great.